Mulder and Scully are PRE-ORDAINED to become involved sexually. Their first sexual experience will be mind- numbingly flawless, a pinnacle of emotional and physical ecstasy. Followed by tears of joy.

Scully is a closet slut. Just look in her lingerie drawer. Gracious.

Mulder can't cook. Neither can Scully.

Any wish for one to surprise the other on a special occasion will inevitably include sexual relations.

Skinner possesses both a libido and poor judgement, which explains his intimate involvement with either or both of two agents who report directly to him.

Krycek is a twisted little leather-clad sex puppy who'll do anyone, any time.

Diana Fowley is a two-dimensional, manipulative bitch. Who blows Spender. *Senior*.

Scully wants a baby more than anything else in the universe.

Except Mulder. She wants him more, apparently. Must be that pouty/lush/plump/tempting lower lip of his.

Despite Mulder's decades of heavy emotional baggage and feelings of unworthiness, he is able to attain a titanium- like erection in 1.4 seconds, regardless of the circumstances, and manages to maintain an Olympian standard of endurance.

Mulder's tongue never goes numb from all the sunflower seeds. Try having a lot of them in a short time, and you'll see what we mean.

The wedding ring has pre-planned, earth-shattering significance.

When either Scully or Mulder engages in an erotic solo act at home, they always leave the curtains or blinds open.

Bill Scully is a hotheaded, two-dimensional asshole who cares nothing at all for his sister's happiness or professional satisfaction, waiting only for the chance to beat Mulder to a bloody pulp.

Scully's alabaster skin is cool, just like her glacial blue/azure/cerulean/cobalt/navy/sapphire/indigo eyes.

Mulder is a sex GOD, possessing intimate knowledge of sexual techniques normal men never discover, as well as a penis of mind-numbing size and tensile strength.

Scully has never allowed a man to pleasure her orally, because it's so goshdarned...intimate.

Neither Mulder nor Scully ever get a pubic hair caught in their teeth.

Scully is an angel walking the earth, and not an occasionally hot-headed, stubborn, contrary little bitch.

Mulder is a sweet, sad, tormented loner, and not a flaky goofball with more intelligence than common sense or social skills.

Diana Fowley is evil incarnate, a barracuda with nail polish, and does not possess any redeeming qualities or human emotions whatever.

C.G.B. Spender is evil incarnate, a barracuda in a trench coat, and does not possess any redeeming qualities or human emotions whatever. Or hobbies.

The term "nubbin" is a viable erotic term for describing a body part engaged in a sexual activity.

Scully apparently thinks nothing of treating Mulder's wounds personally, in a motel room or at home, even injuries that would normally necessitate a hospital stay.

Jeff Spender was an incompetent whiner. Who somehow made it through Quantico.

Everyone is bisexual. Except for Frohike.

The Gunmen have no lives apart from tech-toys and computer communication, much like fanfic writers.

In a moment of passion, Scully suddenly becomes Dana and Mulder becomes Fox despite the fact that they NEVER ever call one another that in reality.

Every emotion Skinner has relates back to his experiences in Vietnam.

Every emotion Mulder has relates back to his sister's abduction.

Every emotion Scully has relates back to a song by Celine Dion.

All members of the Consortium take great, personal pleasure in torturing and manipulating others and are never conflicted about their role as "bad guys" unlike the "good guys" who are continually conflicted about everything.

Psychopaths are drawn to Mulder and Scully like flies to roadkill.

If Scully gets so much as a hangnail, "Fox" will castigate himself endlessly with much self-loathing and readers will get a rehash of the whole "cancer arc"; while on the show, when she was SHOT by her asshole Tithonus partner, he barely batted an eyelash.

Blood loss or illness does not effect Mulder's ability to get an erection.

Krycek is more amorphous in fanfic than he is on the show. He's everything from a god-like philosopher-poet trapped in a sad and bleak existence to a wild-eyed, mercenary hulk who just loves to kill. What is certain is that he's uncertain and may appear randomly at any time, doing anything, for anyone - a convenient deus ex machina.

Skinner is stolid, loyal, determined, gruff, much like a good cocker spaniel.

Kersh is a blind monomaniacal, rule-following Bureau toady, oblivious to everything but the rule book and his own control issues.

Everyone in the FBI above the rank of A.D. is corrupt or utterly antagonistic toward their own agents.

Mulder and Scully never have a single case that turns out to be merely mundane - like retirees making crop circles for fun.

No one is concerned that so many of their cases remain unsolved or hinge on totally unprovable things. As long as there's a body or someone in custody, it's good enough for the Bureau, no matter how tenuous the connection with the crime may be.

If Mulder and Scully are to have children, it will not be by adoption or the logical in vitro fertilization method. Rather, it will be a miraculous wonder love child, a gift from the gods, and will invariably have to choose from the following limited name pool: Samantha, Samuel, Katherine, Melissa, William, or Dana. Little Fox is not a viable alternative, in that it refers SOLELY to Mulder's external genitalia.

Post baby, "Dana" will quit the FBI and become a regular doctor while "Fox" stays and gets her expertise and feedback on cases at the breakfast table or in a night of suburban spooning bliss after the wee ones are tucked away.

Despite the fact that his last scene is tender and remorseful and he has never actually been shown to do anything more horrific to his family other than force his wife into choosing, William Mulder was a certifiable borderline homicidal child beating bone breaking daddy- brute. He hated/blamed Fox and often beat him daily in between being a government toady, smoking cigarettes, and downing gallons of whiskey.

If years in denial of their attraction won't be broken by the self effacing acts of love, one must be harmed, preferably in an auto accident, in order for them to finally make their feelings known.

If that doesn't work, the song, "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion, can suddenly play on the car radio or at the heretofor unknown FBI Awards Banquet/Ball/Prom, and Fox and Dana will cave in to the undeniable attraction in 0-60. (Also when referring to the song, "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion, you must have Fox and Dana refer to it in that exact same way, calling it, '"My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion'. They must both agree that the song speaks to them in ways they could never before explain.)

And on the blessed day, "Walter" will give Scully away to a beaming teary eyed "Fox", who will have not one but all three gunmen as his best men.